The Unseen…

In the world of fostering there many things go unseen. There are things you just can’t understand if you’re not part of that society. For me, it’s become blatantly obvious there are some who just don’t “get it.” Statements like “I could never do that” and “you’re doing an amazing thing” oftentimes make me feel super uncomfortable. I’m not a super hero and, believe it or not, there are some days I feel like I can’t do it myself. But, I push through and remember why I started this journey. I didn’t start fostering for the recognition or because I needed to “feel good” about myself; I started fostering because there are children out there who need a voice. They need a champion. They need to feel what love without conditions feels like and need to know that they themselves are not unseen.

I look at “outsiders” and think about how I viewed fostering before becoming a foster parent myself. I never thought that I couldn’t do it. In fact, I was pretty naive. I thought it would be much easier than it actually is. Sure I knew there would be up’s and down’s, but never did I think I’d have floods of emotions as regularly as I do right now.

Tonight as kiddo and I were settling down for the evening, we were discussing some upcoming appointments. One with his worker and another with his attorney. Kiddo hates these. He feels like his voice goes unheard; like anything he has to say doesn’t matter and “they” are going to do whatever they want regardless. I get it. Full disclosure; I’ve had those thoughts myself. But everything has a process. There’s a move and counter move for everything done within the system. It sucks, but that’s the way it operates. I try to explain this to kiddo, but always seem to fall short with a “good explanation.”

As we finished up our talk, kiddo looked at me with a broken stare and said “I’m glad I have you…if I didn’t I’d be going through this all alone.” After a brief moment of silence, he followed up with “I’m sorry I’m so much work for you. I know I’m bad and a lot of extra work you don’t have to do.” My heart sank a bit. What are you talking about? Where is this coming from? For a moment I was lost. Then it flooded in; this is how you’ve been made to feel. This is how you view your existence…as extra work. “You might cause a little extra work being here, but you are worth every bit of it” I say back with a smile. As I begin to tell him I’m blessed to have him in my life and wouldn’t change a thing I see his eyes well up. He tries to hide it for a moment; he’s always got to be “strong.” How at such a young age are you to cope with this?

As kiddo starts to cry I tell him to come over by me, give him an extra long hug, and tell him everything is alright. “You are worth all the work and more” I say. “Do you believe it?” He shrugs a unconvincing yes and hugs me tighter. As he starts to calm down I tell him the one story I know can always make him smile. It’s our story. How we came to meet and how I decided out of all the kids needing help that he was the right one.

These are the unseen moments. The moments that no one can understand without living them. True, there are days I feel like I can’t fight another battle or stress about how to say the “right” things. There are days I break down thinking what I’d going to do if this poor kid has to go, yet again, home to a house that doesn’t show him love. But these unseen moments are what make this far beyond worth it. Kiddo knows he is loved. He knows my unconditional love and knows that as long as I’m breathing he’ll have a place to call home. That’s how I move past “I couldn’t do it.”

A “Call” Turns into a “Stay”

When I went to pick up kiddo it was under the impression that this was to be another respite-type stay as they tried to contact the courts to see where to go from here. There was no guarantee kiddo would be staying past the 5 days which led to high stress for us both. He didn’t want to go home and I couldn’t blame him. Repeated entries into foster care and repeated times being kicked out of the house…who wants that? But still, there was no guarantee.

As days went by, kiddo got more and more anxious. “How many days is it” he would ask. Finally, I asked “why do you keep asking that?” Come to find out one of the nuggets bio mom left him with was that he would only be able to stay with me for 5 days then have to go into a group home. That was never discussed…never even mentioned. So why then did mom say it? Because little by little she was starting to show another side; the side kiddo talked about while he was in my care the 1st time. “She’s not the same as when you talk to her; she’s being fake” he would tell me. Never before did I think he was being true. I just figured he was a typical kid who thought their parent was being “mean”. Not the case. Some of the stories he’s told since entering back into my home are too crazy to not be real.

As we waited to find out what was going to happen the days came and gone. Finally, we found out the court ordered him back into foster care. But his happiness was short lived. Even though bio mom had kicked him out twice and basically threatened him with abuse, they still wanted kiddo to participate in weekend visits. Really?!? The kid just said he was kicked out, with a therapist present no less, and you want him to spend the weekend there?

His worker came to discuss it and kiddo was adamant he did not want to go. He didn’t want to see mom, but more surprisingly he didn’t want to see his siblings either. I have never seen a person more done. He was instantly angry and said “I don’t wanna do visits” and “I’m done”. And I support his choices. Why should have to continue living this hell. Let’s face it, that’s exactly what it is. He doesn’t feel safe there and has no desire to go back.

For now visits are not happening. But I just wait for the time to discuss them again. For now he is safe and really back to his normal self with the subtraction of any self-worth. We’ll be working on that. Hopefully we’ll find out more soon, but for now we can just be happy he is being heard.

The Call-part 3

When I took kiddo home after the last respite stay I felt uneasy. The entire event was not right. Watching the interaction between him and bio mom was painful. It felt empty of love; like something had sucked it all out of the room. Not a “hi” or “we missed you” when he entered. No hugs. Nothing. When I left, kiddo walked me out, gave me a hug, and said “I love you”. My heart broke. I had stayed for a family meeting and the entire time kiddo periodically looked at me with “help me” in his eyes. But there was nothing I could do except for get in my car, drive off, and cry. At this point I knew it wasn’t a matter of “if”, but “when” I would get the next call. I just hoped the situation wasn’t more severe the next time.

Seven full days had passed. My heart was still a bit heavy because the weekend had came and gone with no phone call from kiddo. I knew I probably wouldn’t hear from him for a little while (he never called during the week days) so I just went through the motions of my day to day life. Seven days… Then on the eighth day, while sitting at work finishing up before it was time to go home, I received the call. It was from kiddo’s worker. Again, kiddo needed somewhere to go. Initially I was angry. Why? Why did we just put this child through this? Seven full days was all that they could make it? How in the world was he supposed to try to have a “normal” life with this kind of turn around? Of course I said I’d come get him and I moved my schedule around.

This time, just like the last, bio mom and kicked him out of the house. But not before saying a handful of horrible things like “I don’t want him, get him out of my house, if he steps to me I’m going to (blank) him up”. You know, those things every loving parent tells their children. What wasn’t like last time what kiddo. This kid is a HAM. Normally, he tries to be center of attention. He is humorous, silly, and just a cool kid. Even last time (after realizing I wasn’t mad) he was back to his old antics; but not now. You could see in his eyes he felt broken. He was quiet, withdrawn, and scared.

After a conversation with the worker (and finding out a bit more of what occurred) kiddo and I headed “home”. I thought “well once we get back to the house and he’s had a minute to process everything he’ll bounce back”. That was five days ago and he’s still not his “normal”. As him and I talked, he said “Why do I have to keep going back and forth? I said it wasn’t gonna change”. I had no words. I don’t know why; it didn’t make sense to me either. Not only did the back and forth not make sense, but the entire situation. As I looked at him all I could see was the awesome little guy who just wanted someone to love him. Someone to take care of him. Why anyone could see anything else was beyond me.

Each day he’s gotten a little better, but he’s also testing to see if I really care. Will I push him away or give up on him? Will I just call it “quits”? It hurts my soul to know the things he’s had to go through and that he has to continue in the juggling back and forth. But for now he’s here with me and that’s all that matters. For the time being I can show him there are those who love and care about him and that there are no qualifications for him to get that love. We’ll be waiting for the next call; hopefully it will be a call that includes a renewed future for the kiddo.