When I took kiddo home after the last respite stay I felt uneasy. The entire event was not right. Watching the interaction between him and bio mom was painful. It felt empty of love; like something had sucked it all out of the room. Not a “hi” or “we missed you” when he entered. No hugs. Nothing. When I left, kiddo walked me out, gave me a hug, and said “I love you”. My heart broke. I had stayed for a family meeting and the entire time kiddo periodically looked at me with “help me” in his eyes. But there was nothing I could do except for get in my car, drive off, and cry. At this point I knew it wasn’t a matter of “if”, but “when” I would get the next call. I just hoped the situation wasn’t more severe the next time.
Seven full days had passed. My heart was still a bit heavy because the weekend had came and gone with no phone call from kiddo. I knew I probably wouldn’t hear from him for a little while (he never called during the week days) so I just went through the motions of my day to day life. Seven days… Then on the eighth day, while sitting at work finishing up before it was time to go home, I received the call. It was from kiddo’s worker. Again, kiddo needed somewhere to go. Initially I was angry. Why? Why did we just put this child through this? Seven full days was all that they could make it? How in the world was he supposed to try to have a “normal” life with this kind of turn around? Of course I said I’d come get him and I moved my schedule around.
This time, just like the last, bio mom and kicked him out of the house. But not before saying a handful of horrible things like “I don’t want him, get him out of my house, if he steps to me I’m going to (blank) him up”. You know, those things every loving parent tells their children. What wasn’t like last time what kiddo. This kid is a HAM. Normally, he tries to be center of attention. He is humorous, silly, and just a cool kid. Even last time (after realizing I wasn’t mad) he was back to his old antics; but not now. You could see in his eyes he felt broken. He was quiet, withdrawn, and scared.
After a conversation with the worker (and finding out a bit more of what occurred) kiddo and I headed “home”. I thought “well once we get back to the house and he’s had a minute to process everything he’ll bounce back”. That was five days ago and he’s still not his “normal”. As him and I talked, he said “Why do I have to keep going back and forth? I said it wasn’t gonna change”. I had no words. I don’t know why; it didn’t make sense to me either. Not only did the back and forth not make sense, but the entire situation. As I looked at him all I could see was the awesome little guy who just wanted someone to love him. Someone to take care of him. Why anyone could see anything else was beyond me.
Each day he’s gotten a little better, but he’s also testing to see if I really care. Will I push him away or give up on him? Will I just call it “quits”? It hurts my soul to know the things he’s had to go through and that he has to continue in the juggling back and forth. But for now he’s here with me and that’s all that matters. For the time being I can show him there are those who love and care about him and that there are no qualifications for him to get that love. We’ll be waiting for the next call; hopefully it will be a call that includes a renewed future for the kiddo.
~Fostering With Love~ 